A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 0-9
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Achmed English Medium

by Jeff Dunham

Achmed "The Dead Terrorist"

-Good evening Achmed! -Good evening...
-So you're a terrorist? -Yes. I am a terrorist!
-What kind of terrorist? -A terrifying... terrorist
Are you scared?
Not really, no!
-And now? -Not really, no
How about now?
-No. -God damn it!
I mean... Allah damn it
I kill you!
-So, Achmed... -No, no, it's Ahmeth
-That's what I said! -No, you said Akmed
It's Achmed... (Kh...Kh...)
Silence! I kill you!
How do you spell it?
How do you spell your name?
Oh, you see, it's A...
Silence! I kill you!
So Achmed, if you are a terrorist
I'd suppose you have some sort of specialty
Yes, I am a suicide bomber
Ah, so you're finished!
-You've done your job. -No, I haven't!
-But you're dead! -No, I'm not!
I feel fine
-But you're all bone! -It's a flesh wound
Silence! I kill you!
What the hell happened to my feet?!
Son of a bitch, what's the hell?
Wait a minute, what the hell happened to my...
Stop, what are you doing?
Stop touching me!
I kill you!
-Alright, hold on, will fix this. -Ok, wait, what are you doing?
I'm caught up in the air! Wait!
Wait, something is stuck! Holly crap!
I need some ligaments!
-Just sit still -Ok!
I will not move my ass
You idiot! You don't have an ass
-Is that Walter? -Yeah
He scares the crap out of me!
Please don't put me back in the same suitcase
-Why? -He has gas!
Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to Walter fart
It's not funny! He will kill us
Alright, listen Achmed, I have something to tell you
-What? -You really are dead
-Are you sure? -Yes
I've just got my photo shots
-You really are dead. -Wait, if I'm dead...
That means I get my 72 virgins!
Are you my virgins?
I hope not!
-Why? -There's a bunch of ugly ass guys up there
If this is Paradise I've been screwed
What? Did they say only female virgins?
Holly crap!
Wait, I can have Clay Atkins
I told a joke
So listen Achmed, where did you come from?
Your frikin suitcase
I told another one
Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time
How you've even get through the security at the airport?
Oh, that's easy. They opened the case and I go "Allo!"
"I am Lindsay Lohan!"
I told another joke
I can do this crap too
Okay, here's another one: two Jews walking in bar
-No! no. -What?
-No. What? You don't let Jews in your bars?
You racist bastards!
What I mean is that I don't want racist jokes in my act
Oh, okay, how about if I kill the Jews?
-No. -I'm kidding
I would not kill the Jews. No
I would toss a penny between them
And watch them fight till the death
Yes, yes. I did them same thing with two catholic priests
But I tossed in a small boy
Yes, yes. And the winner had to fight Michael Jakson
-Achmed! -What?
Stop doing this. You can't tell jokes like that
Why not? I'm killing sort of speak
-Well, you can't tell jokes like that. -Why?
It offends people!
I'm dead, why do I care?
What do you want me to do? Knock knock jokes?
-It's probably better! -Ok, Knock knock
-Who's there? -Me, I kill you!
So look, as a suicide bomber, have you had training?
Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp
-Is that a nice facility? -It used to be!
-What happened? -New guy!
The idiot tried to practice
-What you guys learned from that?
-Location! Location! Location!
-Do you guys have any kind of motto? -Like what?
You know, like you were looking for a few good men?
We're looking for some idiots with no future
-So where do you get your recruits? -The suicide Hot Line
That was dark, was it not?
So, what exactly happened to you?
What happened?
If you must know, I'm a horrible suicide bomber
-What happened? -I had a premature detonation
I set the timer for 30 minutes but it was off in 4 seconds
You know what's that like, right?
Mister Hurricane!
So Achmed, what exactly happened to you?
Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone
"Can you hear me now?"
At first I thought it's because I went over my minites
-That's too bad! That's okay
I took that Verison bastard with me
So, what's it like to die? Do you see a white light?
If you done enough to watch the explosion, yes
I mean some people say
When they die they see a white light
-What did you see? -I saw flying car parts
-What's the last thing that went through your mind?
-My ass!
Walter told me to tell that joke
-So you never saw a white light! -No, but I saw a blue Prius
Do you really have one of those vehicles?
That is not a car, it's a lunchbox
Did you know
When you’re going down the highway in the Prius
And you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn?
-You did all this for a bunch of virgins? -Are you kidding me?
I kill you for Klondike bar!
-So I guess you're Muslim? -I don't think so
-You're not Muslim! -No!
-Why? -Look in my ass, it says made in China
Walter says I'm just a stinky Halloween decoration
-So you like being in DC? -I think some idiots must live here
-Why? -For example, the Washington monument!
-Yes? -It looks nothing like the guy
It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton!
-What do you think of Bush? -Oh, I love the...
Oh, you mean the president, I'm sorry!
And that's Achmed the dead terrorist, there you go!

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( Automatic Translation )
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