Achmed by Jeff Dunham

Achmed "The Dead Terrorist"

-Good evening Achmed! -Good evening...
...Infidel!
-So you're a terrorist? -Yes. I am a terrorist!
-What (1)________ of terrorist? -A terrifying... terrorist
Are you scared?
Not really, no!
-And now? -Not really, no
How about now?
-No. -God damn it!
I mean... Allah damn it
Silence!
I kill you!
-So, Achmed... -No, no, it's Ahmeth
-That's what I said! -No, you said Akmed
It's Achmed... (Kh...Kh...)
Silence! I kill you!
How do you spell it?
What?!
How do you spell your name?
Oh, you see, it's A...
C...
(Flmekh...)
Silence! I kill you!
So Achmed, if you are a terrorist
I'd suppose you have some sort of specialty
Yes, I am a suicide bomber
Ah, so you're finished!
What?!
-You've done your job. -No, I haven't!
-But you're dead! -No, I'm not!
I feel fine
-But you're all bone! -It's a flesh wound
Silence! I kill you!
What the hell happened to my feet?!
Son of a bitch, what's the hell?
Wait a minute, what the hell happened to my...
Stop, what are you doing?
Stop touching me!
I kill you!
-Alright, hold on, will fix this. -Ok, wait, what are you doing?
I'm caught up in the air! Wait!
Wait, something is stuck! Holly crap!
I need some ligaments!
-Just sit still -Ok!
I will not move my ass
You idiot! You don't have an ass
-Is that Walter? -Yeah
He scares the crap out of me!
Please don't put me back in the (2)________ suitcase
-Why? -He has gas!
Saddam's mustard gas was nothing (3)________________ to Walter fart
It's not funny! He (4)________ kill us
Alright, (5)____________ Achmed, I have something to tell you
-What? -You really are dead
-Are you sure? -Yes
I've just got my (6)__________ shots
-You really are dead. -Wait, if I'm dead...
That means I get my 72 virgins!
Are you my virgins?
I hope not!
-Why? -There's a bunch of ugly ass guys up there
If this is Paradise I've been screwed
What? Did they say only female virgins?
Holly crap!
Wait, I can have Clay Atkins
I told a joke
So listen Achmed, where did you come from?
Your frikin suitcase
I told another one
Look, if you've been in my suitcase all this time
How you've (7)________ get through the security at the airport?
Oh, that's easy. They opened the case and I go "Allo!"
"I am Lindsay Lohan!"
I told another joke
I can do this crap too
Okay, here's another one: two Jews (8)______________ in bar
-No! no. -What?
-No. What? You don't let Jews in your bars?
You racist bastards!
What I mean is that I don't want racist (9)__________ in my act
Oh, okay, how about if I (10)________ the Jews?
-No. -I'm kidding
I would not kill the Jews. No
I would toss a (11)__________ between them
And watch them fight till the death
Yes, yes. I did them same (12)__________ with two catholic priests
But I tossed in a small boy
Yes, yes. And the (13)____________ had to fight Michael Jakson
-Achmed! -What?
Stop doing this. You can't tell jokes like that
Why not? I'm killing sort of speak
-Well, you can't tell jokes like that. -Why?
It offends people!
I'm dead, why do I care?
What do you want me to do? Knock knock jokes?
-It's probably better! -Ok, Knock knock
-Who's there? -Me, I kill you!
So look, as a suicide bomber, (14)________ you had training?
Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp
-Is that a nice facility? -It used to be!
-What happened? -New guy!
The idiot tried to practice
-What you guys learned from that?
-Location! Location! Location!
-Do you guys have any kind of motto? -Like what?
You know, like you were looking for a few good men?
We're looking for some idiots with no future
-So where do you get your recruits? -The suicide Hot Line
That was dark, was it not?
So, what exactly (15)________________ to you?
What happened?
If you must know, I'm a horrible suicide bomber
-What happened? -I had a premature detonation
I set the timer for 30 minutes but it was off in 4 seconds
You know what's that like, right?
Mister Hurricane!
So Achmed, (16)________ exactly happened to you?
Well, I was getting (17)________________ and I answered my cell phone
"Can you hear me now?"
At first I thought it's because I went over my minites
-That's too bad! That's okay
I took that Verison bastard with me
So, what's it like to die? Do you see a (18)__________ light?
If you done enough to watch the explosion, yes
I (19)________ some people say
When (20)________ die they see a white light
-What did you see? -I saw flying car parts
-What's the last thing that went through your mind?
-My ass!
Walter told me to tell that joke
-So you never saw a white light! -No, but I saw a blue Prius
Do you really have one of those vehicles?
That is not a car, it's a lunchbox
Did you know
When you’re going down the highway in the Prius
And you put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn?
-You did all this for a bunch of virgins? -Are you kidding me?
I kill you for (21)________________ bar!
-So I guess you're Muslim? -I don't think so
-You're not Muslim! -No!
-Why? -Look in my ass, it says made in China
Walter (22)________ I'm just a stinky Halloween decoration
-So you like being in DC? -I think (23)________ idiots (24)________ (25)________ here
-Why? -For example, the (26)____________________ monument!
-Yes? -It looks nothing (27)________ the guy
It looks (28)________ like a tribute to (29)________ Clinton!
-What do you think of Bush? -Oh, I love the...
Oh, you mean the president, I'm sorry!
And that's Achmed the dead terrorist, there you go!

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